When I don't know what to say

I am in the midst of packing up my home in Nabire, Indonesia to go and move to Idaho for a year or so. If that sounds sudden to you it's because it is a big and abrupt change. My husband Daniel and I have been so focused on getting to Indonesia, learning the language, aviation training, and finally settling into a home here with the intention of being here for many years. We're still hoping to live here for a long time...but now we're taking an interlude, going back to the US for counseling. (We are feeling burned out and Daniel is struggling with depression. He has written more about our reasons for going back to the US on his blog. ) Daniel will work at MAF headquarters in Nampa, ID.

People have been asking me how I'm doing. I don't know. Sometimes I feel exhausted, angry, and/or sad. Sometimes I'm encouraged that we get this great opportunity for healing. I am very happy when I think about getting to introduce Ariella to her grandparents and aunts and uncles. I feel worried about the finances involved in this move and about things like buying a car and setting up an apartment. I am also afraid: what if we don't come back?

Last night I read the final chapter in the book The Good and Beautiful God by James Bryan Smith (I highly recommend it). In this chapter Smith wrote about the importance of slowing down and being really present in each moment. Today I am thinking about Mary*, who sat at Jesus' feet and listened to him while her sister Martha was hurriedly trying to get a meal ready. I want to be like Mary, listening to Jesus even while there are many things to do and to think about. I want to have a quiet heart, even when my life feels like it's constantly changing. I can trust God to be with me, loving me, guiding me through these changes. 

So, when I don't know what to say I will try to listen to Jesus.

*I am referring to Mary and Martha who are Lazarus' sisters. You can find this story about them in the Bible in Luke 10:38-42.